Desperation
by scala
Summary: "There is a steadiness I need only the ocean can provide, and there is a warmth he seeks only the fire can kindle. " A look into the thoughts of Katniss, Finnick, and Gale as they decipher the possible romance between Finnick and Katniss.


**Author's Note: **This story takes place in Chapter 14 of Mockingjay, after Katniss and Gale kiss in District 2. Gale noted that he thought Finnick had his eye on Katniss, yet Katniss was too obtuse to notice. Katniss retorted, "You don't know Finnick if you think he'd love me," to which Gale responded "I know he was desperate. That makes people do all kinds of crazy things."

I'm not really a Katniss/Finnick believer but I thought this aspect of the plot is interesting and would be worth exploring. With that said, I hope you enjoy. More chapters to come with different POVs. Reviews and feedback are always appreciated!

Also, a thanks to my wonderful friend and beta, Brittney! :)

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**Desperation**

**Chapter 1 - Katniss**

_I know he was desperate. That makes people do all kinds of crazy things_.

Gale's words rings inside my mind and I can't seem to shake them away. What did he mean? Was he actually referring to Finnick? Or was he hinting at something more?

However mad I am at Gale for daring to accuse something going on between Finnick and me, I'm forced to stop and think. Gale is right in one sense. It's true that I've always been pretty dense when it comes to romance. Deciphering my own feelings has never been easy for me. I've been so preoccupied with keeping my family alive that I had no energy left to even think about anything else. My instinct for survival has always been the force that kept me going. Even when Peeta and Gale admitted their feelings for me, I didn't know how to respond. I don't know exactly how I feel. I know that I love them both, but in what way? I don't know how to deal with these feelings, so I keep trying to delay thinking about them. But thoughts pushed away still have to go somewhere. And those thoughts, all locked up and hidden away, are screaming to escape and be understood. That alone is enough to make me desperate and crazy.

_Desperation_. Despite the tough times I've experienced in the Seam, I don't think I truly understood the meaning of this word until now. I've lost Peeta to the Capitol, Finnick's lost Annie, and we've all lost our homes. How can we be anything but desperate?

So it's true. I am desperate. Desperate to know what I am supposed to feel. Was Gale trying to say that I was desperate when I kissed him? If I really think about it, I guess he's not far off. I am so desperate to not be alone. I am trying so hard to fill that void within me. His kisses at least reminded me that I am still alive while I fight out my internal battle with Snow. Snow is the only one who sees me for who I am and knows my weakness. He is trying to break me and I am afraid to admit to myself that he might be succeeding. Even though I force myself to pull together so that I don't give him the satisfaction of victory, I don't know if I can really ever be whole again.

I look down at the rope in my hands and my fingers curl around the knots I've been tying and untying. Immediately a sense of serenity relieves me. It's unusual, but the only times I've felt tranquil lately is in the presence of Finnick. He's been there through all I've been through and he understands me. I'm thankful for his warm hands that hold mine when I've had to watch Peeta slowly unravel on television, his smiles and jokes despite the cruel situation, and his encouraging words that help me ground myself when I feel so lost. I often find myself seeking his company rather than Gale's. After all, we are both broken in the same way.

Sometimes I stare into Finnick's sea green eyes and lose myself in them. A girl from District 12 could never hope to understand the ocean. But when I look into his eyes, I almost know. It's as if I can hear the crashing of the waves around me, taste the warm saltiness, and feel the currents sweeping around me, swallowing me whole. Then I realize, it is Finnick's voice I hear, his painful tears I taste, and his strong arms I feel as we embrace to forget our sorrows. In these moments, I've been more than happy to let myself drown. There is a steadiness I need only the ocean can provide, and there is a warmth he seeks only the fire can kindle.

But that is all over now. Finnick and Annie have reunited, and I am again alone with my thoughts. Could it be true then? That I am feeling something? I was so desperate to feel that perhaps I finally succeeded, but with the wrong person. It is not something I need, to feel for Finnick. He was never part of the equation. Not something I should have needed to worry about. In my world of desperation, he was my anchor, not the tides forcing me to drift farther away from my destination. He has Annie, and I have…well, I have those who love me. It's quite enough to keep my mind occupied.

Now I have something else I will be trying to shake out of my mind as I realized that Gale was right. Desperation drove me to feel something crazy after all.


End file.
